THE PAUSE OF MR.
CLAUSE
This next song we're going to dedicate to a great
American
organization. Tonight I'd like to dedicate this to
our boys
in the FBI.
Well, wait a minute. It's hard to be an FBI man. I
mean, first
of all, being an FBI man, you have to be over 40
years old.
And the reason is that it takes at least 25 years
with the
organization to be that much of a bastard. It's
true. You just
can't join, you know. It needs an atmosphere where
your
natural bastardness can grow and develop and take
a
meaningful shape in today's complex
society.
But that's not why I want to dedicate the song to
the FBI. I
mean, the job that they have to do is a drag. I
mean, they have
to follow people around, you know. That's part of
their job.
Follow me around.
I'm out on the highway and I'm drivin' down the
road and I
run out of gasoline. I pull over to the side of
the road. They
gotta pull over too - make believe that they ran
out, you
know.
I go to get some gasoline. They have to figure out
whether
they should stick with the car or follow me.
Suppose I don't
come back and they're stayin' with the
car.
Or if I fly on the airplanes, I could fly half
fare because I'm 12
to 22. And they gotta pay the full fare. But the
thing is that
when you pay the full fare, you have to get on the
airplane
first, so that they know how many seats are left
over for the
half fare kids. Right? And sometimes there aren't
any seats
left over, and sometimes there are, but that
doesn't mean that
you have to go.
Suppose that he gets on and fills up the last
seat, so you can't
get on. Then he gets off then you can get on.
What's he gonna
do?
Well, it's a drag for him. But that's not why I
want to dedicate
the song to the FBI.
During these hard days and hard weeks, everybody
always
has it bad once in a while. You know, you have a
bad time of
it, and you always have a friend who says "Hey
man, you
ain't got it that bad. Look at that guy." And you
at that
guy, and he's got it worse than you. And it makes
you feel
better that there's somebody that's got it worse
than you.
But think of the last guy. For one minute, think
of the last
guy. Nobody's got it worse than that guy. Nobody
in the
whole world. That guy...he's so alone in the world
that he
doesn't even have a street to lay in for a truck
to run him over.
He's out there with nothin'. Nothin's happenin'
for that cat.
And all that he has to do to create a little
excitement in his
own life is to bum a dime from somewhere, call up
the FBI.
Say "FBl?", they say "Yes", say "I dig Uncle Ho
and Chair-
man Mao, and their friends are comin' over for
dinner" (click)
Hang up the phone.
And within two minutes, and not two minutes from
when he
hangs up the phone, but two minutes from when he
first put
the dime in, they got 30,000 feet of tape rollin';
files on tape;
pictures, movies, dramas, actions on tape. But
then they send
out a half a million people all over the entire
world, the globe,
they find out all they can about this
guy.
'Cause there's a number of questions involved in
the guy. I
mean, if he was the last guy in the world, how'd
he get a dime
to call the FBI? There are plenty of people that
aren't the last
guys that can't get dimes. He comes along and he
gets a dime.
I mean, if he had to bum a dime to call the FBI,
how was he
gonna serve dinner for all of those people? How
could the
last guy make dinner for all those people. And if
he could
make dinner, and was gonna make dinner, then why
did he
call the FBI?
They find out all of those questions within two
minutes. And
that's a great thing about America. I mean, this
is the only
country in the world...l mean, well, it's not the
only country
in the world that could find stuff out in two
minutes, but it's
the only country in the world that would take two
minutes
for that guy.
Other countries would say "Hey, he's the last
guy...screw
him", you know? But in America, there is no
discrimination,
and there is no hypocrisy,'cause they'll get
anybody. And that's
a wonderful thing about
America.
And that's why tonight I'd like to dedicate it to
every FBI
man in the audience. I know you can't say nothin',
you know,
you can't get up and say "Hi!" cause then
everybody knows
that you're an FBI man and that's a drag for you
and your
friends.
They're not really your friends, are they? I mean,
so you can't
get up and say nothin' 'cause other wise, you
gotta get sent
back to the factory and that's a drag for you and
it's an
expense for the government, and that's a drag for
you.
We're gonna sing you this Christmas carol. It's
for all you
bastards out there in the audience tonight. It's
called "The
Pause of Mr. Claus".
Why do you sit there so
strange?
Is it because you are
beautiful?
You must think you are
deranged
Why do police guys beat on peace
guys?
You must think Santa Clause
weird
He has long hair and a beard
Giving his presents for free
Why do police guys mess with peace
guys?
Let's get Santa Clause
'cause;
Santa Clause has a red suit
He's a communist
And a beard, and long hair
Must be a pacifist
What's in the pipe that he's
smoking?
Mister Clause sneaks in your home at
night.
He must be a dope fiend, to put you up
tight
Why do police guys beat on peace
guys?
Songwriter
ARLO GUTHRIE
Arlo Guthrie - The Pause Of Mr.
Clause
