MY MENTAL ILLNESS?
Some of you may know that since 2009 I've gone from heart disease, to diabetes, to sarcoma cancer, to a sleep deprived whole world of crippling pain, to watching my Love, my Best Friend my Wife pass away, to 1/4 of my liver failing due to non-alcoholic cirrhosis, our Family fall apart, my Mom and Dad become ill, to loss of friends good and toxic, to the death of our Lucy Dog, to the return of cancer but now in my throat. Not so recently I went from thoughts of what's the point & suicide but as I am dying faster than most, then I thought to heck with suicide but I now I live to die just like you and you and you but now faster than even you!
So now I have slipped into depression just after a few major life transitions. I hope I don't sound too ungrateful, because my situation may sound absolutely like an over reactive country ballad. Yet I realize that people have far, far worse problems in their lives. But I still feel depressed!!
I had it all, a friend lover wife, a sort of IT career, a family that was a self-writing soap opera. Joyce and I volunteered at our church at IN FROM THE COLD. My other activities were assisting 408 missing children families, helping a little bit in South Africa and Hurricane Katrina recovery and helping out at my Step Son and my eldest Granddaughter Royal Canadian Air Cadet Squadrons 781 and 538.
I really do enjoy - photography, the outdoors and travel. I am fortunate that, having been in an sort of interesting job minus the bullies! Also with Joyce and we had simple needs, our kids and we both had enough money to retire one day. My dream to work on my photography, collect bayonets and we would both lead the "good life." Bliss!
Then it all went totally FUBAR in 2004 when my wife's father died.
I won't put you all through the litany of horrors that I mentioned above or any of our other family challenges but slowly yet quickly I became utterly depressed. As I struggle to face my physical and mentally painful life, every day. I am desperately lonely as I have Lily Dog and my roommate JESUS and I've thought of and do have help but in truth I can't replace my Wife Joyce and as I get sicker and sicker, also as I am too poor to travel like my once bucket list that I dreamt of as it is, now NADA!
For me, it feels like my old life has ended and I am doomed to spending maybe the next twenty years in this new life that I hate! Still Satan has a way for me to go away from it all.
I really don't know what to do, how to get out of routine of loneliness pain and Doctors. Every week feels like one more nail in the coffin. I'm just getting more and more down. Haven't done any photography either, as I am too scared to go outside as the sound of ambulances and really any hospital visits completely freak me!
I feel so disconnected and I don't know who I am anymore, or what I am doing here. I practically had an anxiety attack when I recently had to answer the "Marital Status" question on a form. Each day, I struggle to get out of bed every morning as the body pain and night terrors plus diabetes only let me asleep 3 to 4 hours a night, if that. When I hobble down to the main floor to visit the day and let Lily Dog out. I will waste half the day forgetting what I am to do or become late due to my procrastinating or falling back to sleep. You see this is me and with mental illness as some think with mental illness, or is he's just faking it, as they are arm chair know it all’s as they think? Why can’t the non-alcoholic Cirrhosis/heart diseased/cancer ridden diabetic/sleep deprived in a whole world of crippling pain wimp to do, can he not just get over it??
No way, my Toxic wonders that you have any idea of much. As each person has his or her own limit, which as my roommate tells me. Only GOD knows your breaking point from mental illness is!
Written by Sir Richard
Photos by Sir Richard
Heart - Crazy On You
Alice Cooper - Welcome To My Nightmare
Alice Cooper - Second Coming/Ballad of Dwight Fry/Sun Arise.