Coping with the Death of a
Spouse
The number
one stressor on every chart is the death of a spouse. Half of all married
couples will experience this loss at some point in their lives. Learn to find
ways in which to honour a loved one's memory while moving on in a healthy,
life-affirming manner.
Recognize Your
Loss
Few events in
life are as painful as the death of a spouse. You may be uncertain you will
survive this overwhelming loss. At times, you may be uncertain you even have the
energy or desire to survive, much less try to
heal.
It's Okay to
Mourn
Your husband or
wife has died. This was your life's companion. You may feel uncertain and
confused without their companionship, like a part of you is missing. When you
experience the death of someone you love, live with, and depend on, feeling
disoriented is natural. Mourning is the open expression of your thoughts and
feelings regarding the death of your spouse, and is an essential part of healthy
healing.
Your Grief is Uniquely Your
Own
No one else had
the same relationship you had with your spouse. Your experience will also be
influenced by the circumstances surrounding the death, other losses you have
experienced, your emotional support system and your cultural and religious
background. Because of this, you will grieve in your own special way. Don't try
to compare your experience with that of others or to adopt assumptions about
just how long your grief should last. Take a one-day-at-a-time approach that
allows you to grieve at your own pace.
Talk About Your Thoughts and
Feelings
Articulate your
grief honestly. When you share your grief with others (who will listen), healing
occurs. Don't be afraid to talk about the circumstances of the death and your
feelings. Share the special things you miss about your spouse. Talk about the
sort of person he or she was, the types of activities you enjoyed together, and
memories that allow for both laughter and tears. It's important not to ignore
your grief. Its okay to speak from your heart, not just your head, because we
love (and miss) with both!
Anticipate a Multitude of
Emotions
The death of your spouse affects your head, heart and spirit, so you
will likely experience a variety of emotions as part of your grieving process.
It takes a great deal of energy and effort work through such a traumatic
experience. You may feel confused, disoriented, fearful, guilty, relieved and
angry all at the same time! As bizarre as some of these emotions may seem, they
are normal and healthy. Permit yourself to learn from these feelings, and don't
be surprised if surges of grief suddenly come out of nowhere, at the most
unexpected times.
Find a Support
System
The most compassionate self-action you can take is to find a support
system
( eg; http://www.griefshare.org/ ) of caring
friends and relatives who will provide the understanding you need. Find out if
there is a support group in your area that you might want to attend. There is no
substitute for learning from others who have experienced the death of their
spouse. Avoid individuals who are disapproving or who try to tell you how you
should grieve. Seek out those people who encourage you to be yourself and
acknowledge your feelings— both happy and sad.
Be Tolerant of
Your Physical and Emotional Limits
It's not unusual to feel worn out and fatigued when you have lost a
loved one. You may find your ability to think clearly and make decisions greatly
impaired. You may even find that a low energy level slows you down a bit. Pay
attention to what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat
balanced meals, and don't feel guilty about lightening your schedule as much as
possible.
Take the Time
You Need With Your Spouse's Personal Belongings
Only you can
decide what needs to be done (and when), with your spouse's clothes and personal
belongings. Don't force yourself to go through these things until you are ready.
You may not have the energy or desire to do anything with them for quite some
time. Some people may try to measure your healing by how quickly they can get
you to do something with these belongings. Don't let them make decisions for
you. There is no harm in leaving your spouse's belongings right where they are
for the time being…
Holidays, Anniversaries and
Special Occasions Can Be Very Difficult
You will probably find that some days make you miss your spouse more
than others. Days and events that held special meaning for you as a couple, such
as your birthday, your spouse's birthday, your wedding anniversary or holidays,
may be more difficult to go through by yourself. These events make the absence
of a loved one much more noticeable. If you belong to a support group, this
would be a good time to have a special friend stay in close contact with you
during these naturally difficult
days.
Hold Your
Memories Close to Your Heart
Memories are
one of the best legacies a spouse leaves when they die. Treasure the memories
that comfort you, and explore those that may trouble you. Even difficult
memories can help us to heal. Share memories with those who listen well and
support you. Recognize that your memories may make you laugh or cry. In either
case, they are a lasting part of the relationship you had with your spouse. You
may also find comfort in finding a way to commemorate your husband or wife's
life. It's important to remember that healing doesn't mean
forgetting.
Honour and Acknowledge Your
Spirituality
If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem
appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and
support your belief system. You may feel angry at God for taking your spouse,
this is a very normal part of grieving. Locate someone to talk to who isn't
critical of any thoughts and feelings you need to explore.
Grieving and Healing Go Hand in
Hand
To restore your capacity
to love, you must grieve when your spouse dies. There is no time clock to
indicate the completion of your grieving process. We don't actually get over
grief; we learn to live with it, just as we choose to go on living. Grieving is
a process, not an event. Give yourself time and compassion, just as you would a
friend. When you allow yourself to grieve, you are moving toward a renewed sense
of meaning and purpose in your life.
What I found,
By,
Richard…
Thinking, Breathing and Dreaming Every Second of
Joyce…
