GHOSTING
It has been 2 years
since Joyce past and what I miss most is the daily companionship that we once had.
So a woman 50 obtained on line my attention as in my life I am really naïve. I
consulted in Prayer to GOD, my Pastor Friends and Friends if being a pen pal
with this woman was a good idea or not. Same feeling I had as when I was young
and walked across thin ice as it was scary. So I took out of the barn my dating
mobile from the last time I dated circa 1993 a Jeep
Grand Cherokee V-8…
Joyce would have
approved of my climbing out of my hole of my despair and suicide thoughts and
Joyce would have also approved of the person who became my daily companion and
we would even talk on the phone every Saturday.
Then out of the blue
and after 3 months of no problems, BOOM GONE!
I thought she was
attacked by someone and so I had the Police in her European country do a
welfare check I was so worried.
Please note for U
folks who are like me as the world has changed since 1993.
Ghosting
Well, I learned a new
word yesterday from a TV News piece and my Doctor = Ghosting.
For I was ghosted by
someone, the opposite of Love isn’t Hate; it is Indifference. Ghosting, for
those of you who haven’t yet experienced it, is having someone that you believe
cares about you, whether it is a friend or someone you are dating, disappear
from all contact without any explanation at all. No phone call or email, not even
a text. Ghosting isn’t new as people have long done disappearing acts but years
ago in my time, this kind of behavior was considered limited to a certain type
of scoundrel. In today’s Millennials dating culture being ghosted is a phenomenon
that approximately 50% of men and women have experienced and an almost equal
number have done the ghosting. Despite ghosting's commonality, the emotional
effects can be devastating, and particularly damaging to those who already have
fragile self-esteem, such as newly widowed, me.
Why
do people Ghost?
People who ghost are
primarily focused on avoiding their own emotional discomfort and they aren’t
thinking about how it makes the other person feel. The lack of social
connections to people who are met online also means there are less social
consequences to dropping out of someone’s life. The more it happens, either to
themselves or their friends, the more people become desensitized to it and the
more likely they are to do it to someone else.
Some attempts at
explanation:
“I didn't understand
exactly how I actually felt at the time, so instead of trying to talk it out, I
ghosted.”
“I used to disappear
when I thought it was (a fling), or I got scared of finding what I wanted…Or
some kind of fear factor from a past
relationship kicked in.”
“Looking through the
lens of a coward, passive withdrawal from dating seems like the easiest and
nicest route…until it’s been done to you.”
“I kind of think that
it's part of what makes, the online dating scene so
appealing, since you don't have friends in common or weren't introduced through
some other channel, it's not the end of the world if you just drop off the face
of the earth, right?”
Insidious Aspects of Ghosting…
I for one, consider
myself to be an honest and straightforward person and yet, I have now been ghosted
as I’ve told myself, these last few weeks’ time and time again, that it’s all
the fault of the toxic dating culture I heard was created on line and this only
to happens to the millennials, not an old coot like me not from someone my age?
For at the end of the day, I think that’s what we’re all telling ourselves
after a Ghosting.
One of the most insidious aspects
of ghosting is that it doesn’t just cause you to question the validity of the
relationship you had, it causes you to question yourself. Why didn’t I see this
coming? How could I have been such a poor judge of character? What did I do to
cause this? How do I protect myself from this ever happening again? This
self-questioning is the result of basic psychological systems that are in place
to monitor one’s social standing and relay that information back to the person
via feelings of self-worth and self-esteem. When a rejection occurs your
self-esteem can drop which social psychologists propose is meant to be a signal
that your social belonging is low. If you have been through multiple ghosting’s
or if your self-esteem is already low (again like me), you are likely to
experience the rejection as even more painful, and it may take you longer to
get over it as people with lower-self-esteem have less natural opioid
(pain-killer) released into the brain after a rejection when compared to those
whose self-esteem is higher.
Ghosting is the ultimate use of
the silent treatment, a tactic that has often been viewed by mental health professionals
as a form of emotional cruelty. It
essentially renders you powerless and leaves you with no opportunity to ask
questions or be provided with information that would help you emotionally
process the experience. It silences you and prevents you from expressing your
emotions and being heard, which is important for maintaining your self-esteem.
Regardless of the ghoster’s
intent, ghosting is a passive-aggressive interpersonal tactic that can leave psychological bruises, scars and
for me, since Joyce past: I was back at square one all within 24 hrs.
How do
you move forward?
The important thing to remember
is that when someone ghosts you, it says nothing about you or your worthiness
for love and everything about the person doing the ghosting. It shows he/she
doesn’t have the courage to deal with the discomfort of their emotions or
yours, and they either don't understand the impact of their behavior or worse
don’t care! In any case, they have sent you an extremely loud message that
says: “I don’t have what it takes to have a mature healthy relationship with
you. Be the better person, retain your dignity, and let him/her go peacefully.”
Don’t allow someone else’s bad behavior to rob you of a better future by
losing your vulnerability and shutting yourself off from another relationship. Or
like me hiding inside my Fortress of Solitude and trying to keep my energy
focused on doing what makes me happy. Know that if you are someone who treats
people with respect and integrity then the ghoster simply wasn’t on your
wavelength and someone better is coming your way, as long as you keep your
heart open and your focus forward.
For
this is dedicated to those whom I Love, still Love and have Loved and always
will Love.
I
Hope that this was informative as I send my LOVE to you all and
with
all that heaven will allow!
Posted: for your safety by,
Sir
Richard…
Photo:
by
Sir Richard of course.
MUSIC:
Ray
Parker Jr - Ghostbusters Original Theme
Alessi
- Savin' the Day
Disturbed
- The Sound Of Silence
Mamas
& Papas - Dedicated To The One I Love
