It has been 2 years since Joyce past and what I miss most is the daily companionship that we once had. So a woman 50 obtained on line my attention as in my life I am really naïve. I consulted in Prayer to GOD, my Pastor Friends and Friends if being a pen pal with this woman was a good idea or not. Same feeling I had as when I was young and walked across thin ice as it was scary. So I took out of the barn my dating mobile from the last time I dated circa 1993 a Jeep Grand Cherokee V-8…
Joyce would have approved of my climbing out of my hole of my despair and suicide thoughts and Joyce would have also approved of the person who became my daily companion and we would even talk on the phone every Saturday.
Then out of the blue and after 3 months of no problems, BOOM GONE!
I thought she was attacked by someone and so I had the Police in her European country do a welfare check I was so worried.
Please note for U folks who are like me as the world has changed since 1993.
Well, I learned a new word yesterday from a TV News piece and my Doctor = Ghosting.
For I was ghosted by someone, the opposite of Love isn’t Hate; it is Indifference. Ghosting, for those of you who haven’t yet experienced it, is having someone that you believe cares about you, whether it is a friend or someone you are dating, disappear from all contact without any explanation at all. No phone call or email, not even a text. Ghosting isn’t new as people have long done disappearing acts but years ago in my time, this kind of behavior was considered limited to a certain type of scoundrel. In today’s Millennials dating culture being ghosted is a phenomenon that approximately 50% of men and women have experienced and an almost equal number have done the ghosting. Despite ghosting's commonality, the emotional effects can be devastating, and particularly damaging to those who already have fragile self-esteem, such as newly widowed, me.
Why do people Ghost?
People who ghost are primarily focused on avoiding their own emotional discomfort and they aren’t thinking about how it makes the other person feel. The lack of social connections to people who are met online also means there are less social consequences to dropping out of someone’s life. The more it happens, either to themselves or their friends, the more people become desensitized to it and the more likely they are to do it to someone else.
Some attempts at explanation:
“I didn't understand exactly how I actually felt at the time, so instead of trying to talk it out, I ghosted.”
“I used to disappear when I thought it was (a fling), or I got scared of finding what I wanted…Or some kind of fear factor from a past relationship kicked in.”
“Looking through the lens of a coward, passive withdrawal from dating seems like the easiest and nicest route…until it’s been done to you.”
“I kind of think that it's part of what makes, the online dating scene so appealing, since you don't have friends in common or weren't introduced through some other channel, it's not the end of the world if you just drop off the face of the earth, right?”
Insidious Aspects of Ghosting…
I for one, consider myself to be an honest and straightforward person and yet, I have now been ghosted as I’ve told myself, these last few weeks’ time and time again, that it’s all the fault of the toxic dating culture I heard was created on line and this only to happens to the millennials, not an old coot like me not from someone my age? For at the end of the day, I think that’s what we’re all telling ourselves after a Ghosting.
One of the most insidious aspects of ghosting is that it doesn’t just cause you to question the validity of the relationship you had, it causes you to question yourself. Why didn’t I see this coming? How could I have been such a poor judge of character? What did I do to cause this? How do I protect myself from this ever happening again? This self-questioning is the result of basic psychological systems that are in place to monitor one’s social standing and relay that information back to the person via feelings of self-worth and self-esteem. When a rejection occurs your self-esteem can drop which social psychologists propose is meant to be a signal that your social belonging is low. If you have been through multiple ghosting’s or if your self-esteem is already low (again like me), you are likely to experience the rejection as even more painful, and it may take you longer to get over it as people with lower-self-esteem have less natural opioid (pain-killer) released into the brain after a rejection when compared to those whose self-esteem is higher.
Ghosting is the ultimate use of the silent treatment, a tactic that has often been viewed by mental health professionals as a form of emotional cruelty. It essentially renders you powerless and leaves you with no opportunity to ask questions or be provided with information that would help you emotionally process the experience. It silences you and prevents you from expressing your emotions and being heard, which is important for maintaining your self-esteem.
Regardless of the ghoster’s intent, ghosting is a passive-aggressive interpersonal tactic that can leave psychological bruises, scars and for me, since Joyce past: I was back at square one all within 24 hrs.
How do you move forward?
The important thing to remember is that when someone ghosts you, it says nothing about you or your worthiness for love and everything about the person doing the ghosting. It shows he/she doesn’t have the courage to deal with the discomfort of their emotions or yours, and they either don't understand the impact of their behavior or worse don’t care! In any case, they have sent you an extremely loud message that says: “I don’t have what it takes to have a mature healthy relationship with you. Be the better person, retain your dignity, and let him/her go peacefully.”
Don’t allow someone else’s bad behavior to rob you of a better future by losing your vulnerability and shutting yourself off from another relationship. Or like me hiding inside my Fortress of Solitude and trying to keep my energy focused on doing what makes me happy. Know that if you are someone who treats people with respect and integrity then the ghoster simply wasn’t on your wavelength and someone better is coming your way, as long as you keep your heart open and your focus forward.
For this is dedicated to those whom I Love, still Love and have Loved and always will Love.
Please remember also; that GOD IS TRUE, HIS LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL, AND TOTAL!
I Hope that this was informative as I send my LOVE to you all and
with all that heaven will allow!
Posted: for your safety by,
Photo: by Sir Richard of course.
Ray Parker Jr - Ghostbusters Original Theme
Alessi - Savin' the Day
Disturbed - The Sound Of Silence
Mamas & Papas - Dedicated To The One I Love